Reflections

I couldn't let this week pass without a few reflective thoughts. This is the 9-year anniversary of the brain surgery that saved my life (the 1st time) and the little known story of Steve's life being in jeopardy. So, if you are not into the musings and ramblings of an introspective, middle-aged woman --I had my first doctor call me middle-age last week - then, I say now is the time to hit "delete". So if you are still reading, grab a cup of coffee and a comfy chair. I've always said I would rather have others learn from my journey than have to experience the journey I have traveled -- I pray something learned on my journey will inspire yours - maybe this will be one of those days. I hope so ...

July 2000; Brooklyn, NY: A welcome day; today I would have brain surgery to correct my brainstem compression. It was a radical surgery that would entail accessing my brain through my mouth. It had been a long road in getting here; 12 years to be exact. I had first fallen ill with excruciating headaches as a teenager (as we now know, when the odontoid bone first began to press on the brainstem), and as the years progressed and countless hours were spent in doctors' offices; we seemed no closer to an answer. As the years mounted so did my pain and disability (as the bone began to embed itself in the brainstem). My headaches were no longer the sole issue. It was a tumultuous time; I struggled to finish college as my fatigue became paramount. I struggled as a new wife and in my career as a mental health therapist and EMS instructor, as first my heart began to falter, and then other systemic organ failures ensued. The pain was paramount and before long more days were spent in the hospital than at home. Over 20 hospital and intensive care unit stays passed as we prayed for respite and of course, for an answer. During a lengthy stay on the cardiac unit in late 1999, my cardiologist and his intern came across the same research that Steve and I had just discovered through our own research. Could it be? Had the answer come? Where are these doctors who published their research on brainstem compression? They were in NY. Would they see me? Yes. Did we finally receive our much 12-year prayed for answer? Yes. After several setbacks and hospitalizations to stabilize me, we finally made the trip for surgery to NY. The day was finally here to remove the bone from my brainstem and, praying permanent damage had not been done, restore my health.

The surgery commenced as my beloved husband, my mom and dad, their pastor and wife, and my father-in-

law had the agonizing wait in the surgery lounge. (What a strange name, lounge, for a place where people pace instead of lounge. I digress ... sorry.) Anyway, they waited and prayed for word of success. Countless hours passed; twice the amount of time they were told to expect. Finally the doctors emerged; my family was met with the grim faces of the surgeons. The surgery seemed to go well; sensitive neurological tests showed return function of feeling to my extremities; my heart was in normal sinus rhythm; however, I was not waking up in recovery. Hours passed; no change. Make that no change to them. I however had awoke from the anesthesia only to find myself in a coma, trapped in a body that would not respond -- I could not move, speak, or open my eyes. I began frantically testing all of my memory recall; phone numbers, important dates, the name of the President, events current and past. I had horrific pain in my head; it was hard to breathe. Where were they taking me? Why was nobody realizing I couldn't breathe? Aaahh, finally I feel the bag- valve-mask over my face with oxygen being pumped into my lungs. Thank you to whoever noticed my lips were blue. What is that sound? Oh, the familiar sound of the MRI machine. Why is no one talking? What is wrong? What time is it? Where is my husband? Does he know what is wrong? Am I dying? Please, someone say something ....

And they did. And changed my life forever.

(It had been asked of my husband to meet the neurosurgeons in their hospital office. The news was grim. Maybe it was a massive stroke; they didn't know. I was in the MRI but it didn't look good. He could see me as soon as I was back in Recovery. The doctors promised to stay the night and keep vigil but there might be hard decisions to make come morning, if I lived 'til then.)

My husband spoke first (1st picture p.9 of photo gallery); then mom, dad, my father-in-law. The words were reassuring at first and then I realized their gravity. They spoke of fond memories; what they admired in my life; how much they loved me;

and the words "please don't go". And then I realized they knew a lot more than I did about the state of affairs. I screamed from the inside " I am in here; I hear you; don't give up on me!" They held my hand and said "Squeeze if you hear me." I couldn't make a finger move; I tried valiantly to open my eyes without success. What had the doctors said to them? Somebody please tell me what is going on. Then silence. They were gone. Would I ever hear their voices again? Then the reality of the moment hit. I had heard words reserved for eulogies. Why do we wait to say those things after someone has passed? I vowed I would do it differently if given the chance.

The words they spoke would change my life forever. Nobody said they liked the house I lived in, or that they liked the car I drove, or that they liked the clothes I wore. They recalled the times we shared in relationship with one another. They asked forgiveness where they had failed. They said they loved me; just as God had made me in His image, without any of the "trappings" of this world. They said so much using so few words. I kept repeating what they said over and over; praying for an opportunity -- a second chance at life -- to live it differently; with a different focus. I wanted a second chance to love deeper; to give forgiveness where I had denied it; to learn more about God and my savior Jesus; to live in the moment with purpose, passion, and intentionality. Please Lord, I begged -- let me rejoin this life. I have unfinished business. It is true -- don't put off until another day what you should do this very day.

I must have dozed off from the emotional exhaustion ... I heard music. Someone was singing. I knew this song. An angelic voice was singing the words to "We are Standing on Holy Ground." Had I really died? Was I in heaven? Then the voice began to pray over me. I realized it must have been my nurse because I could tell she was doing things to my IV. So, I deduced I was still on planet earth and still had a chance to live life differently. (I had the privilege of meeting my nurse, Janie, after regaining consciousness. I asked her why she was singing to me and about her choice of songs. She said she was called in from home to take over this complicated recovery room case. She reports when she arrived in the recovery room, while things were still hanging in the balance and the doctors were working frantically, she immediately knew I was a "child of God's" because she saw angels surrounding my bed. I have never personally seen an angel but knowing the intensity of that night, knowing the prayers that were being said by so many, and the battle for life being fought; I believe her tearful, joyful account of that night. See Janie in the photo gallery on p. 8.)

Days later my prayer was answered as my paralyzed state began to lift. I was going to get that second chance; I began my new life with new hope. I had a new purpose; a new passion; a new will to "persevere" ...

I had barely settled into the conscious world when again, life brought more lessons. I was in the neurology ICU step-down unit; sitting in the chair for the first time since surgery. My father-in-law was with me giving Steve a chance to rest at the hotel. A little while into my "chair exercise" Steve returned and proceeded to lay down on my hospital bed. I noted he looked tired and very pale. A few short minutes later, I reached exhaustion and was ready to return to bed. Steve did not respond. Repeated promptings continued to yield no response. My father-in-law and I both yelled for the nurse. Steve was scooped up and thrown precariously into a wheelchair and rushed to the ER. They wouldn't let me go. I cried uncontrollably; I was afraid we would never make memories together again. I now found myself not begging the Lord for my life but begging for the life of my best friend since 7th grade, my beloved husband. Five years into marriage I found myself begging the Lord for more time - again. I promised to love better. I promised to serve better; I promised nothing in this life had the power to separate us. Tests revealed he had a gastrointestinal bleed and had already lost over half his blood volume. The doctor said he would have died by morning without treatment. It is true -- life can change forever in a day. Immediate transfusions commenced and he was hospitalized two floors below me. After many agonizing days, we both eventually stabilized and after making a terrible fuss that my mother-in-law had to endure, she convinced the doctors to move Steve to the neurology unit with me. We were both so skinny we just shared a bed!! The staff thought it funny two patients were assigned the same bed. We would joke and tell them it was our HMO's idea! We felt carefree despite our infirmities. We had each other. We had today.

While in my suspended state of consciousness, time had seemed to stand still. I had hours and hours to think about life and why we persevere. I deduced we all desire at least these 3 things in life: to be loved well; to feel purpose in life; and to know that it mattered we lived. I wasn't convinced I had found or lived God's true purpose for me thus, making me wonder if it had mattered that I had lived. Had I squandered time? Did I truly live to make the most of day? Had I been selfish and neglected others the Lord had put in my path? Had I served my husband and been the best helpmate that I could be? Had I lived embracing life for God's glory? I've grown a lot in the last nine years. I embrace that this is not my home. I'm just passing through this thing we call "life". Heaven is my home and it is not temporal but FOREVER. I will get my perfect body and live forever with Christ, without pain and tears that so frequent this temporary world. I can "persevere" because I know that everything I experience in this life is designed for my good and God's glory. I haven't always believed this; it is definitely a fact that I have come to understand as the trials of life persist. On this idea I can't help but share a recent sermon preached by our pastor entitled "Persevering Until Judgment". I had tears flowing through most of the message as the realization of what persevering in this life leads to for those who know Christ and what it leads to for those who deny the supremacy of my Lord. If you are so led to hear a great message on perseverance I encourage you to listen to this message:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/perseverance-until-judgment

Steve and I realize the gift of life, the second chance to live to the fullest that we have been given. We don't have to discuss it a lot; we just know life is different now and for as long as we persevere together in this world. We grew a lifetime in those two weeks -- two weeks we will never forget for what we learned and for what we almost lost.

If you try to reach us these days and can't find us, it might just be because we are busy making memories; maybe chasing the sunset in our old Miata, or taking a twilight motorcycle ride, or just possibly found a place to sleep beneath the stars ...

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Messages

Sandy Moye

July 22, 2009, 3:31 AM

Thanks so much for sharing!

Kelly Anderson

July 22, 2009, 3:36 AM

You are both an inspiration! God bless- Kelly

Kelly Anderson

July 22, 2009, 3:58 AM

Shine on you crazy diamond. Kirk D. Anderson

Sandi Henry

July 22, 2009, 4:00 AM

Oh Lee, I can barely see the screen through my tears. It seems so long ago you had that first surgery. I wish that that was the end of your health woes. But, I know that you and Steve are fulfilling God's purpose as you show us what perseverance, faith, and trust really are. I pray that you'll have lots of days to enjoy life together, and it would be really wonderful if those days were without pain! We love you guys! -s.

Linda Surber

July 22, 2009, 7:02 AM

Lee, Your care pages are such a joy to read. Not only are they filled with updates on how you are doing but they are also filled with your faith and love of God. Such an example to all that read it of how to trust and love our God with all our hearts. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' I will continue to pray for you and Steve and your physicians. Love you, Linda Surber (Martha's buddy)

Michelle Grande

July 22, 2009, 11:44 AM

Beautiful! God is good! May He bless you and keep you today!

Martha Foust

July 22, 2009, 11:49 AM

It is hard to read this update. Lots of memories. But lots of joy in knowing so many lives have changed because of those days. Loving you more each day, Mom

Bethany Mincey

July 22, 2009, 1:02 PM

Lee, I just love this post! You are so inspiring (and a great writer by the way). Thank you for sharing your experiences with us so that we may grow in Christ without enduring what you have endured. I get so caught up in getting everything "done" (being a wife, being a mother of 2 little girls and working full-time)

that I forget why I am here. May I seek God in everything. I needed this today...thank you, Bethany

mike coward

July 22, 2009, 1:23 PM

That is so awesome! We have so two friends that lost a spouse early...prior to retirement..and they have so many what ifs...Mike and I never wanted to what if...so, we started traveling as soon as our kids got married...15 years ago...so, when Mike was injured 6 years ago....we had 9 years of memories and have been able to make more! We plan on looking at the sunrise and sunset in as many places as we can. Seeing God's wonder!

Truly appreciating the present and not worrying about what if...Mike has a cancer recheck on August 21st and we pray he will still be cancer FREE. His recent surgery and 7 weeks of paralysis again affirms our believe. Enjoy all of God's wonders TODAY

Betsy Ramsey

July 22, 2009, 3:43 PM

wow! What memories flooded my mind as I was "the pastor's wife" that was in the lounge waiting during your surgery. It was indeed an honor to be there with your honey, mom and dad, and father in law....great people to spend time with while someone is having surgery! God is just so good. How can someone make it through this life without Him? You, dear Lee, are a perfect example of the abundant

life He speaks of. A life of being filled with Him, day by day, moment by moment regardless of the circumstances. Thanks for reminding us once again that our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. Soak in those sunsets...may we NEVER take for granted the wonder of it all. You inspire us all to be more like Him...you are fulfilling your purpose! Love, Betsy Ramsey

carol sparks

July 23, 2009, 1:31 AM

Lee, Thanks for sharing more of your story. I was blessed and challenged as well. Love, Carol Sparks

Jennifer Evans

July 23, 2009, 12:47 PM

I love your musings and ramblings and God has spoken to me directly through them. Thank you. I also listened to the sermon for which you posted the link. I

really needed to be reminded that although perseverance sounds like a lonely word it is not! Jennifer Evans CBC

Susan Jenkinson

July 24, 2009, 7:06 PM

May God bless you as you continually bless those around you!

Debby Swecker

July 24, 2009, 11:28 PM

Lee, I sure enjoyed the recount of these events. God is good.

Don Disney

July 27, 2009, 11:41 PM

WOW!! I CRY AS I READ YOUR STORY. I REMEMBER it with you! I love you both! Blessings to you!

Beth Dunlap

July 28, 2009, 12:47 PM

Lee, I have just read your story. I do not believe you could read it and remain dry eyed! What an amazing story! I am so thankful that you and Steve were able to recover after those two weeks. You will certainly be lifted up in prayer as you continue to battle this. Your writings are so uplifting and words that we continually need to hear. You are glorifying God in such a beautiful way through your testimony and words! Beth Curran Dunlap

Tim & Cindy McNeill

July 30, 2009, 4:53 AM

Wow... incredible witness... thank you for sharing. I actually came here to tell you how to load photos into your posts and was ENGULFED in your words! Thanks! Ok...focus... This is how I include pics in my posts. I upload my pic(s) to www.photobucket.com... I made one of the free accts. Once you upload the pic, you'll see about five "codes" under the pic. Copy the html code... come to your carepage text and paste the code. Only code will show until you preview the page... then you should see your picture. Good luck... Blessings...Cindy & Tim

Link Hudson

July 31, 2009, 3:13 PM

I still tear up every time I hear or read about your nurse, Janie. What can I say, it is such an amazing testimony to the grace, power, and love of our God! I love you guys!

Sandy Temple

August 4, 2009, 3:12 PM

Lee, I am at a loss for words. I am so moved by your story...or, I should say your life and your witness. You are an amazing young woman with an amazing husband and family. You are an example to all of how to live, in spite of our circumstances, under God's love and grace. We all know it is easy to praise God when things are going great, but you have been through so much and have endured so much...and yet your attitude is one of thankfulness and praise...which is exactly what God calls us

to do....but is so hard for most, especially in difficult times.

I am so glad you got that "2nd chance" all those years ago because God has most definately used you to bring glory to Him. I had prayed that Tiff would have a 2nd chance and more time but that was not to be...so I give thanks for the time she did have, and am thankful she is no longer

suffering, and that I was so blessed to be her mom....what a glorious reunion we will have in heaven one day... I will continue to pray for you all. Thank you for sharing your story... Love and prayers, Sandy (Tiff's mom) cp:tiffanydrose